When everything was lost, all that was left was us.

 I have been binge watching this series on Netflix called "Schitt's Creek". I have just absolutely loved this show so far. Most of the times, when I love a book or movie or series this much, it is because I find a common connection to them somehow. And I had been wondering how was I connected to this goofy story.

And then, it just struck me out of the blue today. For those who haven't watched it or dont know what the series is about, it is a story of a couple and their two grown up kids who had been very rich and spoilt at some time, lose their everything and then build up their lives in a small remote place called Schitt's Creek.

For some reason, one of the episodes I watched recently took me back to  rough phase in my own childhood when my dad had lost his everything in the business and we were down to rags. It was a really painful and bleak phase of life. Lots of incidents that I have sort of blocked out of my memory. Oldest among my siblings at 16, I knew what was going on in the house. All 6 of us, including my siblings and parents were trying to turn those dark days but somehow fate and time was just not in our favor. 

Yet, there is this one incident that I still to this date, remember very clearly. It was late in the evening during summers and there was a power cut.  So we were all outside in the verandah. It had been one of those days where things had taken a turn for even worse. I had just come back from college and papa was lying on a charpai, too silent for his usual self. Mom was sitting there too, as if in some deep thoughts. My sisters were already home a bit early that day and brother had also come back from market just at that time. My sisters, in their usual goofy nature, were doing some comedy about a neighboring nosey aunty; my brother was laying with his head in my mom's lap and adding his flavors into their jokes. I was sitting next to my dad and rubbing his head.  A few minutes went by like that...then my papa got up and sat and looked around and said, "Sab kuch kho diya, lekin tab bhi sab nahin khoya hai !! Agar itna sab khokar bhi hum milkar hans sakte hai to isse badi koi baat nahin ho sakti !!" Even in that darkness, I could feel the pain on my dad's face and sense what was going on in each one of ours heads. And that line of his has stuck with me ever since. 

Things did not change overnight like a Hindi movie; we went through hell and worse !! But the only good thing that came out of it was how close it brought us all together and how strong it made my dad's kids. His daughters can fight a mountain and survive in a desert. We learnt the importance of money and relations in life. And my brother, he learnt to only trust and rely on his own hard work and gut feelings and nothing else in life. Even so far away, he knows his sisters has his back.  Anyone who knows me well, know how close I am to my siblings; they are like my own kids. And a lot of it comes from that phase. We understand each other like no one else. When one of us makes a decision, even without talking, we know what was going in their head for them to act that way. Nothing in the world can turn us against each other.

Because when everything was lost, all that was left was us and only us !!

W is for winners and losers

Every game has a winner and some losers; so is also true in the game of life. You win some and you lose some. But then in the usual game, the rules are predefined by the creator of the game.

Who decides the rules for winning and losing in my life? No one other than me. Sorry, I refuse to give that privilege to anyone else. So I have not lost it unless I decide that I have no more moves left. Similarly, what may be my definition of success may not be your definition of success. So may be we can agree to disagree and just not make any judgment about each other.

Because I believe life is not only about winners and losers but also about how you define your winnings and loss and how you get there and where you go from there.

Q is for questions I am scared to ask myself

PS: Still in make-up mode to catch up on the posts that I have missed so far.

In one of the last episodes on Grey's Anatomy (my favorite TV series), Christina Yang (again one of my favorite characters) asks these questions: "Do you know who you are? Do you know what you want? Do you know where you want to go?"

And I have asking myself the same questions ever since. But I am scared to answer those to even myself. Because the answers I would come up with are not the answers I would like for myself. And it's not because I am at an unhappy place in my life. It's just that something is missing; even I can't pinpoint on it. Just that excitement is not there. 

I am a mom and wife 24 hours, professional during work hours, home maker once I am off from work, yet there is something that's lacking. 

Do I know what I want? Can't say!! I think I have lots to be proud and content about yet I am yearning for something more. I can see the direction that life is going on yet I feel directionless at times. 

The answers to all these questions are somewhere within me. I just have to explore my own self and my priorities a little more to face the answers to these, sooner or later.

N is for Na Jaane Kyon

Remember this song from the movie "chhoti si baat"

Na jaane kyuun, hota hai yun zindagi ke saath

Achanak yeh mann kisi ke jaane ke baad

Kare Phir uski yaad

Chhoti chhoti si baad

And isn't it so true !! We do not realise the importance of some people in our life as long as they are in front of us. We take them for granted.Only after they are gone, do we realise the void they create in our lives and we become aware of what we have lost.

But then sometimes, it may be too late to change the things back to how they were. What's gone may be gone forever.

Savour what you have in life today and do not let what you treasure get lost. sometime, it may be all you have; you just may not be realising it today.

I have lost many friends in this journey of life; some due to my own misgivings; some due to situations. Could I have done something then? May be, I don't know. But I do know that I do remember them in every small things related to them. In the virtual world of social media, I do see them everyday, but I just cannot muster up enough courage to try to create those links back. 

Cherish your today. Treasure the loved ones you have.

Kya pata, kal ho na ho!

And as I continue to learn

This last weekend I celebrated anniversary of my motherhood, or in much simpler words, my son celebrated his 7th b'day. He was excited for this milestone because as per him, he is a big boy now (officially) and (again as per him) he can make his own decisions.

As for me, I am trying to get a handle on the fact that where exactly did time fly?
I mwan, wasn't just yesterday when I had to rush to the hospital in the middle of the day when he just decided to come unannounced and so much before his time?
Of course, those 3 months he spent @ NICU seemed like hell at that time.
There were even more difficult phases as he was growing up
but all in all, as I look back to all these years and specially to the moment when it all changed, I realise this phase of my life has taught me a lot of things.Each relationship is different and unique and so is my bonding with my kids. Being with them, interacting with them, juggling life as a working mom, everything has contributed to those lessons. And today, I just wanted to take a deep breath and jot down these, for my own sake, so that I can remind myself of these at a later stage in life:

a) When you are a mom, the whole world judges you for each and every action: your mother in law, the kids school teacher, your kaam wali bai, your pediatrician, you boss, your friends and the ones we always forget: your kids. Having kids taught me to have a thicker skin and take these judgments with a grain of salt. I don't care about anyone else's judgment and I do not intend to change my ways based on what others think about me. The only judgment I do care about is my kids. I do care and value what they think and how they perceive my actions and behavior.And if I have to change and explain, I will.

b) Patience, patience and Patience: For an impatient person like me, this was the hardest lesson to learn as my son was growing up. Kids take their own time to do things, they like repetition and sometimes their record gets stuck on just one particular things. As a full time working mom, I was always short on time. But then those incidents where son wanted to play "Old McDonald had a farm" in a loop while going to school or the time when it was raining hard and I was trying to get him into his car seat and he wanted to buckle the car seat all by himself or those mornings when all I wanted was to rush through and get to work in time and all he wanted was to button his short by himself, wear his socks and shoes by himself - all these little yet significant things have taught me to just take a deep breath at times and just flow with the moment. Because no matter what, my office is not going to crumble without me reaching there on time on a day or two, I am not going to melt soaking in the rain and Old McDonald actually doesn't sound that bad if you sing along with it. But these moments with my kids,once gone, they are not going to come back.

c) Kids are more resilient and understanding than we take them granted for. So give them credits when it's due: We like to treat them as kids and pamper them but they observe and understand so much and most of the time, they act much more mature than we expect them to. As my son was growing up, as a family, we did face some difficult times at certain points. And being away from the family in a foreign land made it all the more difficult at times. But at such trying times, whether it was the night when I had to drive my husband to ER in the middle of night because of acute stomach pain, or the time when I was dealing with a difficult second pregnancy with my husband working in a different city or the days when I would be upset over something, Aayush handled all those with so much maturity and responsibility that it was difficult for me to even believe that he was just 5 yrs old then. For the entire one year when his dad was away to a different city for his job, he missed him like hell and often broke down. But never did he make it difficult for me. And till date, this 7 year old is my biggest pillar of support at all times and I tell him this quite often.

d) When he is wrong, he needs to know it. And better from me than from somebody else.
I have seen too many cases in my close family itself where parents, specially mothers ignored to correct the mistakes of their own kids. Parenting is not just a chore or a title. It is a responsibility, to shape  and guide a kid as he/she grows up. So, if they make mistakes and I do not tell them, they will never know the difference between right and wrong. And however, unpleasant it may seem to point out the mistake, it is worthwhile to sit and have this conversation early on rather than seeing face the consequences later in life.

e) I am human, I'll lose my temper. I'll shout at them at times and not be at my best behavior also. Early on, I used to feel really really guilty about this and used to beat myself harder on this. But with time, I have learned to a) Try to isolate myself when I see myself getting mad about something b) And if, I still end up losing myself, handle it in a more graceful way.Talk to the kids about what happened and why I reacted in that way and also apologize to them.At the end of the day all that matters is how I finally ended it.

f) Last but not the least, my most effective tools in my toolbox: Lots of hugs and to tell them that I love them a lot.

It is all about money, honey !!

I have to accept that I am a financial buff. I like to keep track of what's going on in my bank accounts, have to know on a monthly basis what and where our money was spent, where are our investments and how are they doing and if I need to make some adjustments on that.

I like to read how to make the best use of my credit cards and the rewards points, best deals on online shopping and many many more.
And for the same reason, I do read a number of financial blogs too.

I seldom comment on them, since I consider myself such a newbie to this. I mean, there are all those people talking about the extreme measure they have been taking to build a financial nest for them so that they can retire earlier and to cut down on their expenses.

One of the blogs that I have recently started reading is that of Beks where she writes about her journey to pay off her debt and be debt free.

In one of her recent posts, she talked about the scars, the physical as well as financial and how each one of those taught her something.

Quoting from her blog:
"Next time you look at your credit report and it’s not what you’d wish it would be, you can be a little grateful for the scar. It’s a good reminder of what an idiot you were and how far you’ve come."

And that really got me thinking !! How true it is and such a bright way to look at things.

I am sure each one of you have had experiences that taught you a lesson or two about money in life. I have had quite a few of them and I am listing them here:

a) My dad used to have a business of his own. I remember seeing him at the highest point of his life, and then life,all of a sudden everything just disappeared and I saw him at the lowest point of his life too. I learnt that money is nobody's friend and it keeps changing hands (or as my mom would say: "Lakshmi chanchal hoti hai !!")

b) When everything was gone from my dad, I saw many things around the house changing. The equation of life changed, lots of relations changed and so did the list of loyals, friends and acquantainces. I learnt that money is really powerful and it has the power to change people and their perceptions about you.

c) All throughout his life, my dad has always said that having money or not does not matter and it is not important. But there have been occassions where I did realize that no matter what, money is important and though it is not everything, but it is an important thing.

d) That phase of my life taught me and my brothers and sisters a very big life lesson of saving and thinking before spending. None of us have those lavish shopping spree style habits and we do consider saving and smart spending a part of our life style now.

e) At some point of time, I moved to US with my husband where we both went to school. When we landed in US and went to school, the only money we had was some savings we both had in India and just our skills. We decided not to take out any loans or borrow from anyone. We both ended up working some hours a week on campus and some odd jobs outside the campus, and then took extra jobs for working on weekends too. We had a white envelop where we both used to deposit all our earnings and every time, we took out some money from that envelop for any of the expenses, we used to write on it to keep a running balance of each dollar we had. Each dollar was so precious that most of the time, even if one of us had the desire to get a coffee or a snack from the university cafeteria, we used to let it pass, thinking about all the hours we had put into that hard earned money.Even after being out of the school for so many years, I still have that envelope and it reminds me of the struggle and hard work we both put into to get where we are today.

f) And the same money (or the lack of it) taught me the most important lesson of my life too. When my dad was out of work and life just seemed like endless array of problems, there were days when all 6 of us (my mom, dad, me and 3 of my brothers and sisters) would just lay out on on a summer powerless night in the back porch of the house, munching on 5Rs worth of peanuts my brother would have picked up on his way back from school and laughing and pulling each other legs. Those moments were priceless.

Those moments taught me that money may come and go from our life, but the bond that I have with my family can never, ever fade.

Do you have money lessons that you would like to share?

Count your blessings

A few days back, I was reading a magazine and I came across an article in which one of the moms talked about how she worked with her kids to make them realize the beauty of life and how to appreciate it every day by making the most of it and finding a reason to be happy each and every day.

Inspired by that article, that night I had a conversation with Aayush where I told him that, for the next few days, every night before sleeping, we'll write one word/line or draw a picture about one thing that made him happy for the day.
It has been a week that we have been having this practice every night and believe me, it completely changes your attitude towards life and your overall being in general. Now it is one of the conversations he looks forward every day and one day, when I forgot about it, he reminded me and gave me his reason for being happy that day.
Here's how our journal looks so far:

I AM HAPPY TODAY BECAUSE:

Thursday: Mommy came to pick me up (Generally I drop him off and his dad picks him up, but since dad was travelling, so I picked him from his school that day)

Friday: Dad is coming back (from the work travel)

Sat: I got to go to Donovan's B'day (His best friend's B'day party)

Sun: I got a glitter tattoo of Superman (Local library had a valentine's day party for kids where they offered crafts, balloons and glitter tattoos for kids)

Mon: Mommy came to my school to have lunch with me (I went to his school during the lunch time when they had their valentine's day party at the school)

Tues: Mommy got home early (actually he got late with his dad that day and he saw my car already parked and thought I came early)

Wed: I got to ride my bike after so many days (The weather was warm after many many days of cold)

Thurs: Mommy brought cheetos for me for snacks when she picked me up.

And when I started looking at this journal, I realised that these are so small things yet they were big enough to be the reason for him to be happy. I guess, for grown ups too, it is all about perception.
All about what we can find happiness in
It's all around us and inside us
We just need to identify these small things and hold on to those

And then I came across these lines from here

Count your blessings instead of your crosses;
Count your gains instead of your losses.

Count your joys instead of your woes;
Count your friends instead of your foes.

Count your smiles instead of your tears;
Count your courage instead of your fears.

Count your full years instead of your lean;
Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.

Count your health instead of your wealth;
Love your neighbor as much as yourself.

Just say it

It is the smallest yet the most difficult word to say to someone. Specially then the other person sets some expectations from you.

"NO"

that's the word I am talking about.
I have always stuggled with saying a flat "NO" to someone when some asks/expects me to do something.And more often than not, I land myself in situations where I have to go beyond my capacity to fulfill that "Yes" that I forced on myself.

I remember, when I was ready to leave after my final year in degree, one of my very close friends wrote this for me in my diary
"Do you need to change? Thoda thoda Yes and thoda thoda No: No because you already so good and Yes - because it a jungle out there. It has been quite a smooth ride till now. Do you think it is going to remain like that in the industry also? No. And that is what you also need to learn to say"

My hesitation to say No has caught up with me several times in my personal life as well as professional life. Whenever I find myself stuck in sticky situation brought upon myself by not saying a NO to other person, I always remembered these lines and tried to remind myself that I do need to change.

The kind of work environment and responsibilities I am in now, demand this skill from me more than ever.
And over the years, I have learned to say this word. Having a 4yr old at home has definitely helped me practise it all the more.
Here are some of the rules I follow (and interestingly, I have seen these rules applied in both my personal life as well as professional life)
a) Say it and mean it, really. Look at the person straight in the eye when you refuse for something. Trying to look other ways just gives an impression to the other person that you are not serious or just making excuses.
b) Offer alternatives and be willing to come to a mid point compromise which would be acceptable to both , so that the other person feels that you do care.
c) And the most important, despite having a difference of priorities and opinions, be humble. It shows, in your tone, your body language and your expressions.

So, how to do do it when you have to say NO to someone? Does it come to you naturally or you also struggle with it, like me?

Life is all about choices

Life is all about the choices we make and the ones we do not make (or just choose not to make)
So, why after such a long break, am I talking about this stuff?
Because in the past few days, I have been faced with a lot of choices, related to life, career, parenting, relationships.. to name a few

And at every point, I was confused like a four year old kid standing in front of a candy store trying to decide which candy to choose from all the colorful ones.
Only that in my case, the choices were not as colorful as the candies and most of them were not as simple as just choosing a candy.

My sister once told me that whatever you choose in life, always be responsible for them, because then later you just cannot deny them saying someone else forced those on you. Because if you were forced, then that was also your own choice. And I always remember this little advice of hers, specially more recently.

So, in my career, I am at a point, where I am looking for options but I have my certain parameters attached with them. So recently, when I did really receive a pretty lucrative offer, lucrative enough to actually make me think and consider all options and make a decision really quick. However, I did decline that offer because it was offering me everything except peace of my mind.

On my personal front, I was really falling apart because of certain circumstances, something about which I wrote here too. However, lately, I have trained myself to take the things the way they come and just feel contented with the present. If it is destined for you, it will come to you sooner or later, that's what I have started to believe for now.

Parenting... aahh.. that's a difficult one !!
Difficult, I say for 2 reasons:
a) It's about parenting a 4 yr old
b) And 4 yr old toddlers do not come with any instruction manual. They only come with a lot of tantrums, frequent whining and stubbornness about anything and everything under the roof and then, another second they are full of giggles, laughter, lots of hugs and a very smart imitation of their teacher !!

So, the choices I make as a parent change every day. Should I allow him to have those fries today? Will it be okay for him to play with kid today, who pushed him so hard yesterday? He wants to skip his writing today and play a computer game today, will that be okay?

For a long time, I have, in my heart, regretted a lot of my decisions and choices. But, now, I am starting to let that guilt and regret go away and come to terms with everything, may be I am at that certain point in my life.
But you know what, at the end of the day, there are still some decisions and choices in my life which I am really feel good about. And that's what keeps me going.

And I hope all is well from here

Relationships are complex. People from different background, different circumstances, different situations have varying levels of expectations from each other. And when those are not met, it creates a huge mess and misunderstanding.that affects not the only people directly involved but several others.

Someone I know and very close to me had been in such a web for quite some time. And just got to know that with some efforts and initiatives from everyone involved, a lot of confusions, misunderstanding were cleared. Am I relieved? A lot because I know how much it was killing the people involved in it.
But I am just not daring enough to be happy yet, because I wast to wait and watch how the events unfold from here.
And that's why I wish, I hope all is well from here.
For everyone's sake ..

PS: The person mentioned above does read my blog. So, for a message for that person: You are so strong. And just so you know, you have all my support and help on this.