What I did not say in the letter

What I did not say in the letter is that life is not so easy as your mom and dad make it appear for you. There will always be problems and things you do not like or want to do. What's important is how you tread your way through those waves and come out.

What I did not say in the letter is that winning or losing is not everything in life; what's more important is the experiences, the lessons, the people you meet on the way, how much fun you had on the way.Winning or losing is just the final outcome and it wont matter if you cannot value the whole process to get to that outcome.

What I did not say in the letter is that always be brave enough to speak up your mind. Always speak up. Do not hesitate for a second thinking what will they think. Because "they" will always think, no matter what. So have your voice and speak up.

What I did not say in the letter is that do not ever let anyone, not even me and your dad, make decisions on your behalf. You have a mind of your own. Make your own decisions. Learn to say No when you want to. When you start delegating your decisions to others, it starts small and pretty soon you end up not having a say in the bigger decisions of your life.

What I did not say in the letter is that almost all types of relationships will come and go in life. What will stay with you forever is the one you'll have with your sibling. Do not ever give up on this relationship. I see so much of myself and my brother in you and Aayush and I'll always make every effort and wish that you two are always there for each other.

There will be many many and many more life lessons from me but for now, this is all I wanted to say that I did not say in that letter.

Love  you

Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene do

Something good is happening in my life these days... something so good that I had been waiting for it for a long long time and I had almost given up hope on it.

But finally it happened !! And I am excited, anxious, scared all at the same time. 

Because whenever the good times are here, it always feels as if time should just freeze here.

But then, there is something else that is happening. All the wrong people are coming forward to take the credit for it, claiming they always wished the very best for me. But, in my heart know how those are the people who did everything they could to bring me down when I was in turmoil. They never bothered to lend me a hand to help or a shoulder to calm me when I was going through the worst phase.

Those were the people who were busy at that time making sure their selfish reasons and occasions were the only things taken care for.

Sorry, folks, not this time in my life. I just cannot do it. I have done it all my life, ignoring all the wrongs you did. But I am just done.

Just me and me only know who were my own, who helped me bring this day for myself. And they have been too modest to even mention it. 

And I owe it to myself to let them know.

And for now, I just want to live these moments, because they are too precious for me to lose them. 

I don't think anyone other than Gulzar could have put it more beautifully as these lyrics, what I am feeling:

Ae zindagi yeh lamha jee lene de

pehle se likha kuch bhi nahin
Roz naya kuch likhti hai tu
Jo bhi likha hai, dil se jiya hai
Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de 

Maasoom si hasi, bevaja hi kabhi
Honton pe khil jaati hai
Anjaan si khushi baheti hui kabhi
Saahil pe mil jaati hai
Yeh anjaana sa darr ajnabi hai magar
Khoobsurat hai jee lene de
Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de 

Dil hi mein rehta hai, aankhon mein baheta hai
Kaccha sa ek khwaab hai
Lagta sawaal hai, shaayad jawaab hai
Dil phir bhi betaab hai
Yeh sukun hai to hai, yeh junoon hai to hai
Khoobsurat hai jee lene de
Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de ...
Oh, pehle se likha kuch bhi nahin
Roz naya kuch, oh likhti hai tu
Jo bhi likha hai, dil se jiya hai
Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de ...

And Listen to the beautiful song here:

Broken promise

You come unannounced
in my dreams, in my thoughts
in my smile, in my tears

This wasn't the promise you made
when I saw you last

You said you would go away so far
Never to come back, even in my thoughts
Yet you are here, next to me
the moment I think of you

With that never fading smile
Not ever speaking a word
making it all seem like a dream
And then fading away just like you had came


This wasn't the promise you made
when I saw you last

Some thoughts

(This entry is kind of new experiment that I did today. I had an important interview today and part of the entry I wrote about before the interview to reflect on how I was feeling then and part of it was written after the interview to reflect on afterthoughts)



Confused and scared and anxious
that's how I am feeling right now
Can't even remember when I felt like this last
May be just before the final 12th class maths exam
Or that last big one that I had, in which I was so close
Or the time when the doctor was supposed to call me back with the results
And I was confused because I thought I was overconfident
Scared not to disappoint myself
Anxious just to be done with it, for once


so, I'll comeback after an hour and try to relive this moment and see how my feelings change

4 mins more to go
3 min more to go
.....
....
Off I am for now

(To be continued after an hour)


And here I am back again
I am no more confused or scred
Just anxious...
Anxious now to know how I did, did I get it?
I could have answered that one a little differently
What did they think about me?
I hope I asked all the right questions
and did not say anything stupid
And I also feel so stupid for feeling so confused and jittery at that moment an hour before.
There was nothing that I wasn't prepared for.

Isn't it fascinating how our mind plays games with us?
At one moment we are asking for something and as soon as that moment is gone, that "one" thing becomes less important something else becomes the desperate want of that moment.

And it never ends...
The cycle never stops...

Questions

What do you do when you want something so bad yet you just can't achieve it?
Time and again, you give it your best try, and still the other factors playing other than your own efforts, pull it down every time, time and again...
How do you convince yourself that you just cannot have it?
Do you give up or keep trying? how long do you keep trying before getting tired and hopeless?
How do you not let it affect other things happening in your life?
Other people who are part of your life?

Me struggling with these questions these days...
Do you have any answers?