Just because

Stereotypes... I tell you
They box a person inside a cage, tend to define them based on some assumptions !!
But I truly believe every person is unique in their own ways
No 2 people can have the same personalities or traits

I found these lines while searching for something and this could be very well written by my younger one, who so dislikes herself being called "girly" or "pretty"

Image source: https://www.girlsempowermentnetwork.org/clubgen/clubgen-girls-share-their-just-because-poems/

I am enough

This is more as a reminder and note for myself, when I start feeling down and defeated.
That I am enough !!

H is for home

For a girl who left home after graduate studies and never finally came back for good, what is the definition of home?

Was it that corner room in the hostel where she spent 3 years with her dreams, aspirations, solitude and everything she learnt from the adventures in a new place?

Or was it the room in that shared apartment with 5 new girls in a complete new city with a new found independence? That bare room with almost no furniture but with always crowded with friends and not so friends as well.

Or was it the so called my room in the house I got married into, where I tried my best to make myself feel like home. 

Or was it in the one room apartment where I started my life in a new country with limited resources but unlimited dreams and aspirations?

Or was it in the next apartment we moved into after getting the first job when a place with just more than one room was affordable?

Or was it in the house where I welcomed and raised my 2 kids in this world, made memories of their firsts?

Would you call me weird if I told you none of those felt like home. I was home only when I walked into familiar old house, threw my bag in one corner and laid lazily into her mom's lap, chatted freely with dad, ordered bhai to get me some jalebi. Just that, and nothing else !!

G is for grandparents

Grandparents: What an amazing relationship this is!!
My dad always says:  Sood hamesha asal se jyada pyaara hota hai (Interest is always loved more than the principal)
And this saying is so relevant in case of a grand parent and grand kid relationship

I grew up in an extended family, surrounded by my dadi, babaji, buas, chacha, chachi !! Now that I think about it, every day seemed like a party with so many folks in the house. But, that also gave a lot of help to my mom, who was raising 3 toddler kids. 

My dadi, as I can remember, always dressed in her saree and glasses, sat outside in the verendah in her chair, making sure the house help was doing her work diligently, the presswala bhaiya did not miscount any of the clothes and reminding  doodhwala every single day to not mix any water in the milk.

And my babaji, such a simple and down to earth man. My most distinct memory of him was making sweets. Yes, every Diwali, we had a huge sweets making routine. He would start by making "bura" out of sugar syrup in a gigantic kadhai. From there, the rest of delicacies making routine for the festival would continue. And then distributing them among the factory workers on the Diwali night.

Those days were so simple, yet so precious.
Both of my grandparents are no longer in this world. I hope they are spreading peace and happiness in their new abode.

F is for finances

(Still playing catch up, and I am STILL confident I'll make it to the end of April)

Finance, oh the talk about the dreaded money !!
But it is my favorite topic for various reasons: One because I love numbers.
Secondly, I very strongly believe women should be financially independent and be in control and knowledgeable of the money. All my life, I have seen such strong women who managed and kept tabs on the family finances.

I come from a business family,  but still my mom, my dadi, nani, chachi were never careless about money. Even if they were not CA's or CFA's, but they were so diligent about money. Folds among their costly sarees and their jewelry boxes were their CDs which were found only when money was needed in urgency. Their kitchen budget was always fixed and balanced.
All the shagun monies that used to be exchanged, was always accounted for and saved for future gift giving. Everything was so methodical and organized, at least it seemed like that to us as kids.

As I was growing up, there was also times when money was a crunch; even in those times, my entrepreneurial mom came up with creative ways to manage the home finances and kept everything going.Those times and the hard lessons learnt during those times made me very conscious about money.
And so, I made every effort to understand where was money coming from, where I was paying, how much and for what, where to invest and how and how to look for ways to save the currency. 

I take time to learn about the investment options, benefits available at work, tax saving options, tax laws and the list goes on and on.

The bottom line is universe can keep on making jokes saying men go and earn money and women are only good for spending endlessly on credit card. But, every women, working or a home maker, need to take control of their finances and be knowledgeable to make those decisions.

E is for expressing yourself

Expressing yourself is such an important trait or skill, I must say.
As I always tell my kids, no one can know how you feel or what you want unless you express it somehow.

I myself haven't been great on this trait... I have a hard time expressing myself - be it asking for something, telling someone what I like or dislike about them. Let's just say that it is a work in progress- slowly learning to do this.
As for the next gen goes, I am making sure to teach my kids to thoroughly express their feelings, likes and dislikes.

I guess a lot depends on personality too.
My older has gone on me on this nature.. I can keep on asking him questions but he rarely makes anyone know how he is feeling. I have to keep probing but at the same time keeping boundaries.

My younger one on the other had (at least so far) is good about it. She loves writing simple thank you or love you notes, giving "just like that" cards to her friends. I hope she retains this side of her personality as she grows up.

D is for Dear Zindagi

Dear Zindagi:

I am writing this letter more to myself than to you. To convince myself that there have been lots in life that I should be thankful about. Whenever I was at cross roads wishing for something I thought I couldn't reach, you paved ways for me. You showed me the options and dropped hints along the way to lead me to the right path. Lately, I haven't been a very optimistic person. Tend to look at glass half empty rather than half full.
But I have hope that I have what it will take to fix that in my life.

Ab chitthi likhne baithi hoon to shaikayatein kaise nahin karoongi... uski bhi bohot lambi list hai
Jinse main judi hoon, jinme meri sansein atki hai, unhe takleef mat dena kabhi !!
Aise doraahe par mat lakar khada karna ki main decision na le paoon.

Jin lamho ko, jin rishto ko peeche chod diya hai unse na milwana kabhi. Jitni strong dikhti hoon utni hoon nahin ab.

Continue to stay on my side 
Love
Me

C is for Candle light homework

Did you ever do your homework in candle light? Candle light dinners may sound so romantic but candle light homework.... they were created out of necessity. Out of necessity to finish that one assignment that was definitely needed the very next day and the Bijli board decided to cut power in the evening. Generators and Invertors were not the most popular trend of those times and only a selected privileged homes used to have those. So the only option used to be to try to use the day light to do all your homework, but if some of your friends from the street engage you in a game of Lock and Key or hide and seek for the evening, then keep some candles and match sticks handy as it started getting dark and just hope the power wouldn't go away till you finish that last sentence of the assignment.

Those were the days ....

B is for busy

One of my neighbors always says "Busy is the new buzzword". And I have been thinking. Is this really a buzzword or are we all  really busy?

We must be, otherwise what could be reason for having a 5 line conversation with old friends only 2 times a year - one on their birthday and one on my birthday

what could be the reason that we would rather quickly hit "Like" on social media posts but not take a moment to write a real message or comment?

What could be the reason that when someone asks "How are you?", they are really not waiting for a long winded answer, it is being asked just for the sake of asking !!

But isn't this busy-ness self created? we immerse ourselves into so many things that we hardly have 100%  time or attention span for any one of those.
And that's the same lesson we are passing on to our kids
To keep them occupied every single second of their awake life.

I am not sure if it is good or bad. Some folks may justify it as a way of living their life and that's fine too.

But I have been struggling with this phase a lot lately.
I want to get out of the stage of busy. I want to be idle. I want to be with myself, completely shutoff from everything. Not sure how or when that will happen.

A is for Again

Don't you think the word AGAIN is such an optimistic and forgiving word?

You could have been trying to do something, kept on failing and then you get up and try again, with the hope that you'll succeed this time.

You work on a relationship, it keeps on disappointing yet you give it a chance again.

This whole repetition cycle is what keeps the world going.

This word "again" is also a reminder of temporary nature of some things, that cannot happen again !!
Moments lost, words spoken, broken relationships... cannot come back again.
Just a reminder to not to take this concept of again lightly.

In the spirit of trying again, I'll be using the month of April to get back on some of the things again. And getting back to writing on this blog is one of those things.

So, here I am (albeit one day late) jumping into the April A to Z blog.
Hopefully, some of the readers will come back again
Hopefully, I'll get to express myself ... again.

Y is for youngest member of my family

Your eyes are small, but the shine in them is the brightest

The dreams you have hidden there are not so small

Your lips are small, but the smile you give can melt the biggest ice

And oh those giggles and those cute "sowwiieee" and "pleassssssssse"

The questions you ask, with that smile are just profound

your hands are small, but the things you want to do are not so small

You want to reach anything and everything that you have your eyes on

You want to try everything that your "best buddy aka Aayush" does

Doesn't matter if he is doing homework, playing soccer, playing piano, riding a bike or even racing

Doesn't matter if you have to fake a headache and that too, you say is happening in your tummy,when I ask

Or that I need to call your doctor because you also have a wiggling tooth

That you don't even have all baby teeth out doesn't count

You are my drama queen, my sleeping beauty

Waking us with a smiling "good monning" every single day

You want to go to so many places and do many things

Your list is never ever ending

May go places all around the world as you grow up

And explore every single thing that you wish to

But you'll always be my little kashu, spreading smiles and cheer

Lots and lots and lots of love

X is for eXtra

Yes, x is for the extra hour/day I am trying to steal to make sure I reach the finish line for this blogging marathon. It is the first time I did this and I wanted to do it for myself, just to see if I could really do it.

And I did try my very best. Used my work lunch time to compose my posts on phone, staying awake past 11 on work days and typing my posts on my kindle. And I know I will make it; just a matter of how close to the finish line.

Thinking about it, I think most human beings are greedy by nature; always asking for something extra than what they have already achieved. And it is this zeal to have that extra is the one that keeps the flame in each of us going. Wanting to go that extra mile, giving a little more than what's expected of you, looking for that extra edge in your skills and career. So here's a parting wish for today, "May you all get what you wish for yourself and a little bit extra too" 

Keep smiling

W is for winners and losers

Every game has a winner and some losers; so is also true in the game of life. You win some and you lose some. But then in the usual game, the rules are predefined by the creator of the game.

Who decides the rules for winning and losing in my life? No one other than me. Sorry, I refuse to give that privilege to anyone else. So I have not lost it unless I decide that I have no more moves left. Similarly, what may be my definition of success may not be your definition of success. So may be we can agree to disagree and just not make any judgment about each other.

Because I believe life is not only about winners and losers but also about how you define your winnings and loss and how you get there and where you go from there.

V is for VCRs

Do you remember the time when VCR( video cassette recorder) used to be an item of luxury? That was way before we had access to multiple TV channels or the onset of cable TV.

I remember one of our tenant uncle used to have a VCR which he used to rent out to folks. So when the VCR was not on rent, he would ask us if we wanted to watch a movie on it. And immediately, all 4 of us (me and my brother and sister) would take a poll on which movie we would like to watch. Brother's favorite was Sallu Bhai (yeah his really irritating early movies) and the other action stars, sisters wanted comedy and I demanded the ultimate melodramatic ones(as advertised by Ameen Sayani on vividh Bharati)

After much deliberation, some tears and some peace treaties, we would settle on a movie. The next tedious task would be to go convince mom about watching a movie. That task would be assigned to me. I would go and talk to mom, take all the heat, make all promises to finish all homework as soon as movie was over and what not. Once we got a green signal, the other 2 sisters would race to the video library and demand the finest print of the movie. All the while threatening him to not pay any dues if the print is not clear. I must say, for the 6 year old that they were, they were pretty demanding in that.

And then we would be all set to enjoy the movie. If the movie turned out to be a utter rubbish(which most movies during that time were),all 3 of us would grill him/her for the remaining part of the movie.

Trust me, it took a lot of project planning and execution in those days for a simple act as watching movie; unlike today when movie are so easily accessible on every other channel.

U is for the unconventional

It is  not too often in life that we come across people that do not follow the norms and rules of life; Live life on their own ways. I am always intrigued by such unconventional people because it takes a lot of courage to do so and not worry about the judgement of other people. I, for one,am very conscious at times of what other people will think or that I should be following a set of rules.

One such unconventional person I remember is from my school days. He came as our Maths teacher in XIth grade. At that time, it was said he was just a substitute teacher.
An elderly man, walking with a stick in his hands, for his troubling back, Mr Dhayia, always walked with a limp.
But he had a way with the maths subject and his student. And right from the first day,he was different.
Not like other teachers at all. He always said "I do not believe in punishing the students for not doing the homework. If I  could make the kids do homework that way, I'd have taught the subject to a cow or a mule. I am dealing with human beings here who have the ability to think and take decisions"

Once, when he caught one of the students eating his lunch during the class in the back of the class, instead of reprimanding the student, he offered the student to take his time to finish his lunch and then discuss with him personally on the problems he missed. Because, again according to him, "a hungry student could never concentrate, especially on Maths problems"

He made even the toughest of maths problems on derivatives and integrals seem so simple with his logic and smart tricks he taught us to tackle those problems.

And before the exams, he always told us "You all are so prepared that you need not be scared of the question paper. The examiner will be scared with your answers"
And before every exam, he would be standing right outside the exam hall,  boosting confidence of each one of us.And he always said "You should be so confident that after the exams, you should be able to calculate your scores yourself"

He ended up staying for both our XI and XII grades and improved the maths grades for our class so much. I  stayed in touch with him for about a month after I left school. I still wonder where he is or how many lives he touched.

T is for train journeys

The one thing I have so badly missed ever since I moved to US (apart from the road side chats) is the train journeys.

Yes, I used to love travelling in trains. They were so much fun and I so looked forward to them.

The very first memory of train journeys is from the days when we were in Ranchi. Every summers, we would travel to Delhi to meet my Nanaji and naniji’s place.

Back at time, this journey used to take about 30-36 hours. So, with mom travelling with 3 kids and that too for month and a half, there used to be massive preparation for this journey.

In our house, we used to live on the top floor.

The ground floor was rented to 2 different tenants but one of the rooms was locked and that’s what we used to call “mummy ka khazana (mom’s treasure)”

So as soon as our tickets were booked, mom used to go down to that room, with 3 excited kids following her.

She would take out the suitcases, the bedding (remember the green colored army style), handbags and then a basket.

The clothes and other necessary items would be packed in suitcases, air pillows, bed sheets and light blankets in the bedding

Comics, cards, games, towels, soap, toothbrushes etc. in the handbag

And then the basket would start getting filled with food for the journey – poori, sabji, achar, biscuits, mathri, sweets, namkeen, fruits – you name it !!

And then the day of actual departure.

Dad would drop us off at the railway station

We would be checking at the railway tracks every now and then to check if the train was arriving.

In the meanwhile, dad would buy us loads of comics for our journey – Pinki, Chacha choudhary, Biloo, Madhu muskan

And then as soon as the train would arrive, the coolis (luggage porters) and dad would immediately get into action to get all the luggage into our designated seats

Dad would arrange the  luggage so that all the pieces needed during the journey would be easily accessible.

Make sure we had enough water bottles; check our tickets multiple times

And then as the train would whistle away,  we would all be settled away in the seats

Waving bye to the unknown strangers left behind on the station

As we would move from station to station, dad made sure to stop almost every vendor that crossed our seats to get something or the other

Mom kept offering us something to eat almost every hour.

As the night dawned, mom would take out her paper plates and served poori and sabji to all of us

Followed by some sweets

Followed by the thums-up and limca dad would get from one of the vendors passing by

Then off to the top seats we would climb

But not before fighting with each other about who sleeps on the top seat and who sleeps on the middle one

Early in the morning, we would be close to the Allahabad station. And that’s where we would get our favorite breakfast, white poori (Or Chole Bhatoore in grown up terms)

I used to love those and somehow as a kid always thought that that station was the only place where you could get it.

As the day would brighter, we would fight for our turns on the window seat, watch the train getting less crowded as each station approached;

Start assembling our things together and start our count down for the New Delhi Station; asking on every station, how many more stations till we reach Delhi?

Finally, when we touched Delhi station, the excitement and joy would be limitless.

We would be mesmerized by all the hustle and bustle at the station and trying to locate my Mamaji on that crowded station.

Once the train stopped, mom would carefully get us all down and stand in a less crowded corner of the station while dad and mamaji’s would get all the luggage.

We would be too excited and happy on reaching our destination to even notice the empty train (Delhi used to the last station) pulling away from the station.

And the excitement began all over on our next journey and many many others that we took.

R is for Room no 113

Room no 113: yes that was my room in my hostel for all 3 years that I stayed there. It was a typical girl's hostel. A "khadoos" looking warden, bechara and trying-to-look-strict type chowkidaar.
Once inside the hostel, rooms all around a central verandah, music playing in the rooms, girl's laughing and shouting in other and cooker whistling in yet another room. And girl's lingerie hanging outside on the strings tied outside each room.

And my room was on the second floor at the end of the corridor, facing the open terrace. It was also next to the common bathroom shared by 4 other rooms in the corridor. Open terrace and shared bathroom made sure I had no shortage of traffic around my room, even at midnight.

Initially, I felt stranger in my room and it seemed no less than a relative's place where I was never at ease. But then, slowly the room started to accept me and I started to find comfort in the my room. I could not wait to get back to my room at the end of the day. I even decorated it like my home. Loved my little music player with tons of audio cassettes stacked near it. Loved the little window which opened to the road that went behind the hostel. And could always spot one or more boys from the university trying to take a peek inside the room in a girl's hostel.

Whenever there was a visitor for one of the girls, the watchman used to give a call for that room from the corridors downstairs. So as soon as the visiting hours would start, girl's would anxiously wait for their room number to be called. And even though I knew I had no one who come to meet me after college, I still listened to those calls eagerly.

Ans then one day, while we were having evening tea and snacks in the dining room, I heard "Room number ek sau Terah(room number 113)". At first I ignored it thinking I was just imagining things, but then he called again and it was indeed my room he was calling. And I ran. Not to answer the call but to wash my face and change clothes. Because whoever it was, I could not just run out like that.
And when I went outside to see who it was, it was one of my seniors and one of my best friends, grinning all over and blushing.
Surprised I asked what he was doing here.
And his response:"poore teen saal me in ek baar bhi girl's hostel mein ladki ko call nahin lagayee. Aise kaise degree le leta. Socha tumse to yeh liberty let sakta hoon"
And we stood there talking endlessly for hours.

These and so many more memories I still have so vivid of my room
Room no 113.

Q is for questions I am scared to ask myself

PS: Still in make-up mode to catch up on the posts that I have missed so far.

In one of the last episodes on Grey's Anatomy (my favorite TV series), Christina Yang (again one of my favorite characters) asks these questions: "Do you know who you are? Do you know what you want? Do you know where you want to go?"

And I have asking myself the same questions ever since. But I am scared to answer those to even myself. Because the answers I would come up with are not the answers I would like for myself. And it's not because I am at an unhappy place in my life. It's just that something is missing; even I can't pinpoint on it. Just that excitement is not there. 

I am a mom and wife 24 hours, professional during work hours, home maker once I am off from work, yet there is something that's lacking. 

Do I know what I want? Can't say!! I think I have lots to be proud and content about yet I am yearning for something more. I can see the direction that life is going on yet I feel directionless at times. 

The answers to all these questions are somewhere within me. I just have to explore my own self and my priorities a little more to face the answers to these, sooner or later.

P is for poles apart yet so similar

You two.... two pieces of my heart

Both of you are poles apart yet so similar to each other

Ones loves to dress up and get ready, the other one doesn't give a damn about the dressing up part. One loves music, other loves to dance. One loves to read, other loves to create all together new stories. One adores mommy, other is the apple of daddy's eyes.

Yet you 2 are so similar to each other. Looking at the earliest pictures of you two, no-one can tell who's who. Even when you go outside to play, you keep an eye on each other. If she falls, he'll leave  his game in between to go pick her up and check if she got hurt. If he is riding his bike too fast, she'll warn him yelling from one of the street: "Aayush, be careful!!"

You fight with each other all the time but as soon as I scold one of you, you form a joint coalition party to calm each other down.

You remind me so much of the days of my childhood and the void that I have in my life today. May you both be there for each other at every step of life, against all odds.