Happy Birthday Papa

 This blog has now become a repository of my emotions and outlets for the days and occasions that matter for me most. The month of April marks 3 main celebrations in my family: my sister's birthday, my brother's anniversary and then my dad's birthday. I wrote about my sister's birthday. And today is my dad's birthday. For my brother's anniversary, I have to find the courage to relive that day and write about it sometime.

So, my dad...my papa..my earliest memories of him is of the person who used to save us from any troubles we used to get in. My mumma was the tough parent, so he used to be the good one...the one who would sign our late homework or less grade papers secretly; get us kulfi from the roadside (mumma was strict against the roadside food) or even let us sleep till late and skip the schools on rainy days. And his mantra used to  be "Itni baarish ho rahi hai? Koi teacher nahin aayegi, koi bache nahin aayenge. Kya karoge school jakar?".

He loves to eat and make others eat, especially sweets. When we were kids, he was the one who got the first gold coins (chocolate coins), peppermint cigarettes for us !! Even now, before even I get home, he will have garma garam jalebi at home ready for me. And will keep asking mom, when is she going to make halwa for the kids. On my return, I always have a huge box of home made laddoos with me.

It breaks my heart to see him struggling with his blood sugar levels now and not able to eat the things he so used to love to eat. 

Over the last few years and especially this pandemic his health, his anxieties and his carefree spirit have taken a toll. That hearty laugh that I used to adore about him is not that hearty anymore. It is as if there are clouds of doubt, anxiousness and pain in that, words I never related to my dad, even in the worst of the times.

Sitting so far away, I try to cheer him up as best as I can. Conspire with sisters and brother to surprise him, coerce mom to cook his favorite dishes; call up neighboring uncle to see how their card games are going. 

Papa..for today and the years coming, I wish you become the version of you that you are content and happy with. You get to experience moments and relations that make you happy. And you continue spreading that to others too. Because trust me, your always smiling face and your response of "First Class" to anyone who asks how are you, is extremely infectious. 

Love you papa, and you, the one really up high there, you make sure to make things better for him, please !!

B is for Birthday Girl

She is someone who can light up the room with her spirit.

She is the one who sprinkles droplets of laughter and happiness wherever she goes, no matter when and where

Her laughter is the reason mom calls her “jhunjhuna” of the house

She can lift up your spirits when you're down

She can make you a sliver of light when you are stuck in the darkest of the despair.

She is the one who has my biggest pillar of support and strength; when I was away from home from studies; when I am away in this firangi land

She  has been the bestest of my friends

So, on your birthday, my sis, I wish you the happiness of whole world

I wish every single wish and dreams of yours to come true

I wish that all the things that you are struggling with right now, may you have the courage and strength and audacity to cross every barrier and achieve everything that you want

Because you have worked so hard to deserve all that you want.

And on this special day of yours, I also want to tell you how much I love you and miss you

Because we don’t say that often to each other

But remember, you are always in my thoughts and in my wishes

And always close to you

A very happy and loving Birthday, Sis!!

For it's (was) your B'day

July 10th: It is your B'day today, and you know how much it means for me. And more importantly, I hope you realise how important you are for me. It has never been in our blood, to tell each other how much the other one matters to us. So neither 6 of us, I think, have ever told how much we depend on each other or how much each person matters to us.Because, you see, deep inside, we are all broken and shattered for some reason or other and that's what has tied us all together.

Today, when I talked to you, something was missing from your voice. Can't pinpoint what, but there was something that was just not there. So, I decided to write, through this indirect medium, to tell you how much I care for you and how much you mean for me.
My memories are full of you and the other two: Right from those days of childhood which are etched in my memory. Whether it is the scene of 3 sisters fighting over who will hold the handle of the stroller holding their little brother on those lanes in Ranchi, and in that fight completely forgetting the stroller on the road.
Or those silly songs and games we used to make up just to make you giggle and laugh.
Or those tears when the school aayaah used to take you to the school and you used to cry uncontrollably
Or those rushed mornings to put your school books and homework in bag to make sure you get to school in time (which was just opposite the house)
Or checking your lunch box as you came back to eat that last one piece that you left for me
Or seeing the younger one beat up one of the neighboring kids just because he hurt you

Life has been pretty rough for each one of us
Not exactly the kind any of us would have wished for
We all went through phases we wished we can forget forever or got into decisions we wished were never taken for us.
But then, that is what is called life.
No, I am not telling you to just accept the way it is and go on it.
I want you to be the fighter and not just the survivor
I want you to be the change and not just the result
I want you to take the life as it is and make it the way you want it
And most of all, I want you to be HAPPY

And whenever it gets to the point, when it is just too much, remember these words:

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” – Carl Bard

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. it means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.” - Unknown

And then, always remember that there is someone far far away out there who cares for you in ways no one ever can and loves you a lot.You are in each of the prayers and wishes I sent across when I see a star, pray to him or just have a quiet moment by myself. And I see you and your childhood all re-winded to the start as I see Aayush growing up, reliving each moment that I miss so much. I see so much of you in him, almost everyday.

Here's wishing you the best of very best for you on your special day.
Not all that you ever wanted for you, but wishing that He gives you the strength and willpower to achieve what you want for yourself.
And that you are always surrounded by the ones who love and care for you.

Pic source: http://i671.photobucket.com/albums/vv80/orkutem/miss-you-brother-quotes5.jpg

Happy B'day, dear !!

If you want to make me cry at any time of the day, just take one name and I'll be all watery eyed!!

And as I am writing these lines, I am still trying to control my emotions

Yes, he is so special for me

He is a part of me, myself

so much so, that anything that hurts him, hurts me tens or hundreds times more !!

For me, he's still that little brother who, as a kid,  wanted to sleep holding my hands at night so that he won't get scared.

I still have a very clear memory of  those early days when you were so little.

Me, as a big sister wanted to take care of you all by myself

Whenever it was time for your sleep, I would put both my hands your eyes so that you could feel dark and fall asleep

Nanaji sent a stroller for you from Delhi. A stroller at that time was kind of unheard-unseen things in a place like Ranchi. So, in the evenings, all 3 of us (me including my other sisters) would put you in the stroller and take you for a walk. Now that's a different story that we 3 would start fighting in the middle of the road as to whose turn it was to walk the stroller now, leaving you in that stroller on the road itself. I know bhai, you still thank your stars that you survived despite having such careless sisters.

As you grew up, you were so fond of dressing up. You saw one of our relatives wearing a safari suit (with a cut in the shirt on the back) . And after deciding that you wanted a shirt exactly like that cut, you took the matters in your hand, took out scissors from mom's sewing machine kit and cut 4 of your shirts that way. Yeah, yeah, you were that "smart"

Papa and me were the ones who always took your sides and mom was the one who wanted to discipline you. And you knew that, so you showed all your tantrums while Papa was home and turned into a "jalebi ki tarah seedha" as soon as he left for work.

 Me and you were always one team, with R and S (my other 2 sisters) on the opposite team. In their terms, we were the "drama" team and according to us, they were the "joker" team !!

There used to be a serial on Doordarshan those days(I am blanking out on its name, pretty sure it was not Imtehann!!)  featuring Renuka Shahane and Ninad Kamat and Ninad plays the brother of Renuka. And because the brother is so attached to the sister, their dad says that after Renuka's marriage, her in-laws will get one additional dowry item - her brother.

And, so after seeing that scene, Mumma used to say the same thing for us too !!

"We already have one piece of item ready for you to take to your in-laws house, when you get married"

And it never happened. I went away first to a different house and then to all together different world !!

And it's your B'day today bhai and I am not sure what I want to give you today, probably these....

1) Don't always rely on your eyes and expressions to communicate what's in your heart. Because not everyone knows this language. Use your words also.

2) At the same time, learn when to use just words and not let your eyes and expressions do the work at all. This is also needed in life.

3) Love yourself. You are your own best friend.

4) Learn from your past experiences. Remember the lesson and forget everything else about bitter experiences.

5) We all need some body to lean on. So, when you are in stress, puzzled, or just confused, do reach out to the people who you know love you and you can trust.

6) Your relationships and your career are your biggest assets. Don't give up or compromise on either one of them for the other.

7) And last but not the least, don't ever take my calls when you are on the bike. Ignore them and I'll know :-)

And here's one song for you:
Love you and miss you a lot.

PS: Can't believe this is my 3rd post of the day. But then each one of them had a kind of deadline for today :-)

Oh Boy !! July is here: Part I

Just sometime back, year 2009 had just started and now July is already here. Wow, time really flies :-)
Anyways, July is important for me because I have so many birthdays to remember in this month. I really try my best to remember almost all of them.
Well, the 2 most important of them are of my 2 cancerian siblings, my lil sis Shweta or Golu as we lovingly used to call her and my still kid like brother, Adish or Mannu, as we all at home like to call him.

The earliest memories of Golu...she was the youngest one, so before my brother came in, she got the privilege to sleep closest to mumma at night. Whenever me and Ritu(my middle sister) used to have a fight, we could fight with eah other, but it was a unsaid pact that whatever we were fighting over,Golu would have the first share on that.
All 3 of us used to go the same school in Ranchi. Me being the eldest, was responsible for making sure that I took both of them to the home to school and back to home safely and with responsibility.
So when we would be walking to the bus stop, we had a default pattern in which we would walk: picture this, I would be carrying my school bag and would be on the side of the road where traffic was going. Ritu would be carrying her own school bag. And Golu would be in between both of us, just carrying the water bottle, hanging on her neck. And me and Ritu would take turns in carrying Golu's bag, exchanging turns some time around mid way.

At the beginning of every school year, my mom made it a point to take all 3 of us to a photo studio to get a picture taken for all 3 of us in school uniform.(yes, that was the time when digital cameras were unheard of an getting a picture taken at a studio was almost considered a luxury).
Even in those pictures, our posing pattern remained the same: Me and Ritu on the sides and Golu in the middle.
Even years later, we tease her saying: "We were scared you would run away"
And she teases me and Ritu back saying: " Mom gave me my own security guards right from the beginning"

Golu is now a mom of yet another cute pari today. But for me, she is still my little girl, my little Golu. A very Happy B'day dear sis !! May you have all the happiness you ever wished for.
Love you always

So, the next cancerian in my family is my kiddo brother. Okay, he is already married but for me , he is still that little brother who used to ask me just before going to the school: "Didi, please is copy par cover chadha do na !! Promise, kal se raat ko hi bata doonga"
Or the brother whom I pampered so much that I used to do his homework in left hand so that a) he would not get punished at the school for not doing the homework and b) the teacher does not know that it's me and not him who did the homework !!
He's the same cute brother of mine who once at the age of 5, decided that his mom was being too strict and he was going to leave home.So he packs up all his stuff (which included a box full of marbles, stickers, some balls and his favorite cap) and leaves the house in the summer afternoon. But then comes back home after about one hour later because the water tap in the park was not as cold as the one in the refrigerator at home.

He's still the same brother for me whose incomplete homeworks, mid term and final exams gave me more anxiety attacks than they bothered him.
Whenever we had a sibling fight, me and Mannu were one team and Ritu, Golu were another team.
He's the best brother any sister could ever ask for
One who observes everything happening but waits for the right moment and occasion to express his emotion.
One who understands his sisters so well, he can tell them by their voice whether they are worried about anything

God I miss him so much today !! I so search him in my son, in his actions, in his sweet talks.

May he finds happiness at every step in life.
May nothing bad ever even touch the air around him.
Love you bhai..

Dil se..