G is for Grandparents

This Friday is grandparents day at my son’s school and the kids’ grandparents are invited to the school for a special program. And there would none of the grandparents to visit my son at his school.

Because they are all in India.

It’s on days like this that living in this country kills me.

For the last 2 years, I have been dual capping as his parent and his grandparent at school

So that was the plan for this year too.

But then the school at the last minute turned me down, on the pretext of space and crowd management.

Being a Christian school, there will be senior sisters and nuns to “act” as grandparents for kids whose grandparents cannot make it to the event.

But obviously he'll miss showing the picture of the bank he drew for his Babaji showing him seated in the manager’s chair

He'll miss showing the family tree he created and specially selected the picture of his Nana where he stole his pen from his pocket on his first visit to India.

He often asks me to tell him stories about my childhood and was always laughed at the part when I said that we used to have a fight with my nani every time we visited her

Because she would get all 3 of us in a rickshaw and get us a haircut the day we used to land in Delhi.

And he is always fascinated by the story of my babaji making Diwali sweets at home and specially making the “bura” (which he loves) at home

During my last visit to India, I showed him pictures of one of my Mamaji’s wedding and in there showed him my Nanaji also.

And in there, I also showed him his own Nana (my dad) with lots of hair on his head.

And whenever I scold/discipline him for something, his immediate first question is “Did Nani/Amma used to do the same to you guys?”

I feel proud that he is so much interested in learning about his roots and wants to stay connected to them.

It’s the times like these that leave me feeling clueless and upset.

Confessions of a second time mom

Yes, I am back, sort of !! Can't say completely back to my world of blogging, since my li'l one is still very little. And I have miles to go before I am done with the again-trying-to-get-used-to schedules of midnight feedings, 5 hour sleeps and "where-did-my-whole-day-go" routine.

Now, that I am in my post-preg status, for all those ever-so-optimsitic readers of my blog (who still come to my blog hoping I'd write someday), I have some confessions to make.
(Now let me warn you, these confessions may be the result of all those hormonal mish-mash going inside me, so what I confess today may not be valid let's say a month from now)


a) Surprise, surprise, surprise...I am missing being pregnant.Yes truly, really I am. Despite all those back aches, leg cramps, every damn discomfort I had which my doctors very easily termed as this-is-normal-in-this-phase, I am missing it. I am missing those kicks, that flutter, that feeling of someone being inside me and me and just me being the one having her.


b) I have days when I feel really really guilty for my older kid. All of a sudden, I have noticed a lot of changes in him, the mature way he handled the coming of a new born in the house, the way he adjusted and welcomed the baby and is willing to share everything with her and the exclusive love he feels for her.
Despite all this, on the days when I am not able to give him the attention I used to give him earlier, I feel guilty and am overwhelmed with it.

c) This pregnancy has calmed me down in ways I never thought I could be. I used to be so restless, so angry at certain things in life. But all of a sudden I have this feeling of content and peace which I may not be able to express but I just feel inside.


d) I can survive without sleep, without taking shower for 3 days in a row, survive in a milk stained t-shirt till evening but I just cannot survive without COFFEE. Since I am nursing, so I am fighting every urge I have to eat the foods that can cause discomfort to my girl and coffee being one of them. But I miss it so much; the flavor, the aroma. I have stopped passing in front of a Starbucks store, just because that pleasant aroma and the environment kills me at this time.


e) Every time the grandma (my MIL) makes a comment that my little girl looks just like her son (my husband) or her daughter (my SIL), I'll silently nod along but repeat this to myself under my breath: "Nopes, she is just me in all respect!!"

This phase, time time is precious and will never come back in my life. So I am savoring each and every moment of it. The tiredness, the fatigue, the sleeplessness: all have taken a back seat.
The only thing that is killing me in the back of my mind is how will I go back to work. But that is the matter for another post, another day. Till then, enjoy this:

So we have an Indian restaurant in our area (in fact the only One in our area) and one of the servers there is very talkative and friendly to my son. He is not so good at Hindi, still he manages to speak some hindi to the Indian customers that come there. Two days before my delivery date, my husband was there to pick up some food. That server walks to my husband and asks: "Aap doosre baap ban gaye? (Are you the second father yet?)" when he actually wanted to ask "Is your second kid already here?"
My husband was laughing so hard, he only nodded No on his question and came out.
I still tease my husband as "doosre baap"

When did that happen?

Yesterday:


First day at the school
He said "Mom, I am super nervous"
I say "Aayush, There's nothing to be nervous about. Agreed it's a new school, but you have a new bag, new dress, new lunch box and you'll meet so many new friends and most of them you have already played with them a few times now (Thanks to some of the playdates some of the moms organised to ease new kids in the school)"
But even as I say these things to him, I am super super nervous for him
First because as I said, it was his first day
It was a change in the schedule also
His dad was also not here (had to travel)
and then I know my son, whenever he is upset, the first reaction his body shows is to throw up everything that went down his throat.
So I had decided to be fully prepared.
Didn't force him to eat even a bite more than whatever he wanted to eat
Packed an extra set of clothes for me and him
Packed some extra towels and a water bottle, just in case

Armed with the preparation, we set off from the home
The school is just 5 minutes from the house
Once we reached there, my heart (and not the mind) decided that I need to be cool and ease him into this phase
So , rather than taking the usual route of getting into the car drop off line, I parked my car and took him by myself into the class
Introduced myself to his teacher, took him to his designated desk,completely trying to ignore the stares I am getting from other kids as they are quietly doing their coloring assignment and mine is clinging to me, asking me to stay with him.
After a few rounds of hugs, "I love you's" and "Mom, please stay with me"
I somehow make myself strong and just hand him over to the teacher and walk out of the class
Once out, I wait there for a few minutes, just to gauge the situation
And then I hear his slow crying and asking for me
And even though it breaks my heart, I wait for a few seconds and then eventually walk out of there
Once out of the school, I just looked up at the sky and prayed in my heart to help him get adjusted to the new place, environment and people.

The scene and mood while pickup was completely different. All cheerful, happy and "I had a great day" smile. Along with the promises that he won't cry the next day.


And today:


As we get out of the house, in my mind, I am planning to drop him off to his class again today, just in order to ease his transition and may be give him some time to be comfortable with the idea of drop off. But as we enter the school complex, Aayush tells me "I want you to drop me off where other kids get down"
Me, still concerned in my heart ask him "Are you sure? I can drop you to the class. I have already talked to your teacher and she said it is fine for the first few days"
And he replies, with more confidence I am expecting, "No,I'll be fine. Drop me off where other kids are getting dropped"
Me, just to reconfirm, "Are you really sure?"
To which he says "I just told you so,mom, I'll be fine" (Guess, he was REALLY sure)
So, I get into the drop off line, and then when it is his turn, get down from my car, go to his side of the door to open it (since it has a child lock, he cannot open it from inside) to get him down. Once he is out, I am waiting for himto give a hug and say good bye and all, and all he does is "Mom, Watch out !! There are other cars coming from behind!!" By the time I could react, he turns and tells the teacher in charge of receiving the kids "Aayush Jain, KinderGarten, Ms Witzgall class please"
and poof, he's gone !!

And all I can think while on my way to work from there is
"When did he grow up so much? Where's the baby boy I gave birth to?"

And as I got thinking, I realized I'll have to accept this.
A part of me want him to grow up, but a part of me (secretly) still wants him to cling to me
I still love it when he insists on sleeping on my bed and cuddles with me in sleep
A part of me still want him to ask me help him dress him, or help him with new toy.
Whereas the new independent him, is all set to explore the skies of independence and self reliance.
I guess, I just have to give in and help him his exploration

(Sigh...) Another lesson learnt in parenting :-)

The race is on

Between the 2 kids to see who can make their mom pull out her hair.
One is not here yet (and he/she still manages to do that)
and other one, who has been here for little over 4 years, tries to act as if he has been in this world much much before we were here :-)

One thinks there is a massive playground inside and tries to play soccer, jumping jacks and somersaults, with little consideration for the little lady carrying him.

Other is busy making sure that when mom reaches home and parks the car, she enters the driveway in reverse gear and the car is parked with the wheels turned "thedha" (turned sideways) (** he is obsessed these days with where and how cars are parked). At other times, he is busy turning his own ride-on car upside down(and inspect some of the mechanics going in the rear of the car) and wrecking the lawns of the neighbours and claims the whole street in the neighbourhood to his own bike and his bike friends.

One has no other task during the day except to keep kicking me so hard I have to ask to calm down or to make me run to pee every half an hour.

And as for the other one,he has one standard answer when I refuse or don't give in to any of his tantrums "Mom, you are mean !!"
and me thinks: "Sure beta, that's why I am your mom!!"

I am still hoping that despite this kind of trailor, the movie ahead will still be worth watching
(and again hope is all I can do :-)
So, waht do all those parents who have already been through this phase say?
Does it get any better? Please say it does .......... 

How'd you react?

There are situations when you just can't decide at that moment what/how to react but, later on reflecting on it, you just don't like the fact that you did not react at all. But in this particular case, I am still unsure how I should have reacted.

Last weekend, my son was playing with his usual group of friends, just some of the kids from the neighborhood. One of the kids, A, in this group is the 5 year grandson of our next door neighbors. They are an elderly couple and the kid A is their only grandson. His dad died very young, so they are extremely fond and protective of A. I hate to say it, but this pampering does show as some spoiled kid behavior on A.

On that particular day, the kids first rode their bikes and then one of the kids brought out his brand new scooter to play with. All the kids were taking turns on that. When it came Aayush's turn, kid A just refused to let him have his turn. Aayush asked him politely twice and then looked at me. 

I went and asked A what the matter was and why would he not let Aayush have his turn. And this is what he told me: "Only those who have white skin can have the turn on the scooter. Not Aayush"

And then he took the scooter and went away from there. 

I was amazed and dumb at his response. Just couldn't decide how to react.

Should I go inside and talk to his grand parents?

Should I call the kid back here and have a straight talk to him?

I live in an all-white community

I work in an almost all-white work environment

My son goes to a school where about 95% os the kids are white.

So I am aware of the cultural differences.

But some one pointing out the difference based on skin color: this had happened first time on my face.

Luckily, Aayush did not understand the entire issue. He just thought that A said that whoever does not have any white clothes on, doesn't get a chance on the scooter. And he's still upset about that.

I have been thinking and thinking about this incident over and over in head.

And I know it is the time to start this conversation with my kid now

Teaching him that there will be moment and people and remarks like these

But he should never be tongue tied to voice his dislike about it.

And before I do that, I want to take him to A's grand parents place with me and have a direct talk about what happened and what shouldn't have.

What's your take? What would you do?How would you react?

Do you suggest me doing anything differently?

Would love to know.

Edited to add: I did go and talk to A's grandmother and explained the entire incident to her. Even she was quite surprised to hear this and promised to talk to A about it.

Should they be scared?

"Jaldi se khana kha lo nahin to abhi police aa jayegi"

"Chup hote ho ya abhi monsters ko bulaoon?"

"Wahan us andhere kamre mein budhaa baba rehta hai jo badmashi karne walon ko utha kar le jata hai"

These are some of the lines I have frequently heard from my other friends who have small kids. And I have somehow never felt comfortable with scaring the kids with these tactics.
Because I believe at that age, their hearts and minds are so fragile that they are willing to believe whatever we, as parents tell them.
And, at least, from my own kid's view, I know, he may not take a word from anyone else but he beleives his Mom and Dad like anything
and I am sure this is the same with all the other kids out there !!

I remember when I was growing up, whenever I would hear anything absurd, I would come and get my facts check with my Mom and her word was the final seal of truth for me.
So, when we as parents scare them with such things, they have this fear stamped in their minds and heart.
And I definitely don't want my kid to grow up being scared of anything. So I am a big opposer of this way of discipling.
Many fellow moms I had discussions with, argued that they need something so that in that scare, the kid would listen to them.
Well, my arguement is: Using scaring techniques, there are 2 possibilities: Either you will be really able to scare the kid and discipline him.
But then, just wait and see what you do to his confidence. A scared kid is never a confident kid.
Or else, the kid will realise pretty soon (believe me they are pretty smart at this) that Mom/Dad are just using tactics to get the things done their way.
And so they won't be scared at all.
So, in both the cases, the results are not what any parents would like to see.

See, the school of parenting I came from (which means the home where I was raised) I grew up seeing my mom taking every opportunity to make us bold and fearless.
I remember, when we were in Ranchi, I (was 6 then) often I used to get up in the middle of night to go to the bathroom and to go there, I had to cross an open verandah
I was dead scared to go out, so I would just lay in my bed not going. When mumma realized this, she told me one thing: Whenever you are out alone in the dark, look up at the sky and see if the moon is following you. Then you have nothing to be scared of, since you know you are not alone"
I still remember this when I am getting back late from work or have to go out in the night for anything. One look up on the sky and I know I am not alone !!

Recently, we had some friends over at our house and the friend's kid and my son were playing on the sofa. It so happened that one of the trick they were trying to do was lie upside down on the sofa (with legs up on the seat and hands on the floor) and trying to get up on the sofa.
As it happens, my son all of a sudden, lost his balance and his mouth bumped against the carpert and eventually he bit his lips.
There was some blood and crying, but eventually his dad picked him up and started showing him the "correct" way to do this trick.
Those friends were appalled at this since their idea was to tell the kid to never try this again otherwise he would hit himself again.
And this was a better option for the safety of the kid too, because this was not at all a safe trick to do.
However, my husband's idea (and I supported him on this) and arguement was: "Why should we stop him by putting this fear of hurting in his mind?"
"Let him see what he was doing wrong and then let him make this decision for himself that we was trying to do was not safe"

We had long discussion on this and no party was agreeable to other's view point.And I agree, no 2 parents have same style and views.
In the end, each one of them is trying to do what they think is best for their kids.

But, in all this, I, for sure, feel strongly about this: "Do not scare those innoent minds and hearts"

What do you say? What's your opinion as a parent, as a person who was kid at one point?